*Disclaimer* This is a Spoiler-Free Blog Entry
13 things that will happen when you watch 13 Reasons Why
- You will not be able to stop
Cancel all your weekend plans, tell your friends you’re out of town, tell your parents you have mono and call in sick to work. You need a blanket, you need 3 bags of sweet chili heat, 2 microwavable meals, an entire weekend, and a full and complete grasp over your sanity. Believe me when I say, when you watch the first episode you will not be able to stop.
- You will acquire symptoms longer than the ones listed on a Viagara Commercial
The symptoms of every episode include: screaming at the top of your lungs, a love/hate relationship for all characters, chronic opened mouth, a pit in your stomach, and the feeling that all hope is lost. You will watch the first episode, and before you know it, it will be 3 oclock in the morning. You will be confused and overwhelmed and not know how you got to such a dark place.
- You whole life will revolve around Clay Jenson
First, you will start yelling at the T.V. fully convinced that Clay is listening to you. This will fail. This will then result in never-ending dreams of you shoving tapes in Clay’s face on a continuous loop.
- You will be on a constant search for Selena Gomez
She is not in the show. And it’s best if you accept that fact now. We can thank her for millions of dollars, her insta followers, and her undeniable popularity for bringing this show to light. But you will not find her. So, don’t get your hopes up. If you’re in it for Selena, don’t watch it.
- You will lose your desire to ever want children
A couple episodes in, you will slowly start to realized how every kid born after 1993 is essentially fucked and that school is basically just hell with lockers and desks. You realize your child will only have 2 options: we bullied, or bully other people. This will cause you to try and figure out ways to protect your future children. You will consider putting them in a permanent plastic bubble, or home school. This will then cause you to realize it’s not worth it, and make an oath to yourself to never have kids. Thanks Hannah Baker.
- You are fucked if you watch it alone
Do not, I repeat, do NOT watch this show alone. You need someone in the trenches with you. Someone to discuss theories with, someone to complain to, someone to freak out on, and someone to ask ‘WHAT IS GOING ON’ so they can then respond with, ‘I HAVE NO IDEA, I’M WATCHING AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME AS YOU ARE.’ This is a necessity. If you are alone, I can’t image how you would survive.
- You will be thinking about it weeks later
It’s inescapable. There is nothing you can do. Two weeks will go by, and you’ll still be thinking about Clay Jenson. You won’t be able to go to a movie theatre, or listen to the radio without thinking about Hannah Baker. And then one day, you’ll be over it, and you won’t be thinking about the show anymore…. And you’ll somehow have a random encounter with a cassette player and you’ll be fucked all over again.
- You’ll become the most judgmental person ever
You will watch the show and judge everyone. Are you on the tape? Is that person on the tape? What did YOU do asshole? You seem so nice, WHAT DID THIS PERSON DO. YOU’RE ON THE TAPE AREN’T YOU! *turns to friend you’re watching the show with* YOU’RE NEXT ON THE TAPE AREN’T YOU BITCH???
- You will avoid all forms for social media
13 Reasons Why is trending as fast as KONY 2012. You can’t go on Facebook or Twitter without hearing something about Hannah Baker, or reading about someone wanting to kill Clay Jenson. So if you’re the fool who decides to take your time watching the show, you might want to boycott your phone for a while. I miss the days when you would get in a fight with your bae over text and rip out your phone battery and chuck it across the room. Life was so much easier then.
- You will fall in love with Jeff
No spoilers here. It will just happen. Whether you’re a guy on a girl, you will be thinking about Jeff days after you’ve watched the series. When there is no hope for today’s youth, Jeff provides us with hope. You will starting looking up the actor who plays him, you will probably make him your phone background. He’s like the Cedric Diggory of Netflix.
- You will talk To Facebook friends you’ve never talked to before
So now you’ve seen a few episodes… maybe you’ve watched the whole series in a day and a half like I did. Either way, you are now officially obsessed. Some random kid you went to high school with who you never talked to, will post about how they are on Tape 1, Side B and you’ll have no choice but to comment. ‘REST IN PEACE TO YOUR EVENING BECAUSE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO STOP’, ‘HI STRANGER I’M WATCHING IT TO, WANT TO BE FRIENDS?’ 13 reasons why… bringing people together since March 31st 2017.
- If you have younger siblings, you are now the most paranoid person in the world
Have a little bro or sis in highschool? Welp, you’re fucked. It’ll start small… you’ll walk past their room, creep your head in, and be like, ‘hey… how’s it going?… you okay? Want to talk about anything?’ They’ll tell you to kindly fuck off and you’ll die a little inside. This will start of pattern of you following them to school, threatening anyone who is mean to them, and burning any device in the house that might have the capability to play cassette tapes
- You will write a blog warning people about 13 Reasons Why
Woop. There it is.