So you read the title, and somehow got yourself over to this blog (hey there). Maybe, you’re just interested in what I have to say, maybe you’re in a long distance relationship too, or maybe you are really struggling with the distance and are looking for some straight-up advice, free of sugar coating (welcome). Or maybe you’re just my mom who supports my internet habits. Perhaps you have a worry or problem in your relationship, or maybe you are starting to feel like you can’t do it anymore (it happens). What you’re about to read is some tough advice I’ve learned from doing long distance, and from seeing some of my friends do it as well. I wouldn’t consider Andy and I experts on long distance relationships (at all lol dear god), and we have been through a lot of difficult times since he left for Florida—this shit is NOT easy. But after almost 3 years I know what it’s like to be in it, and I also know what it takes and what you need in order to build a healthy relationship. What I’ve listed below is some tough advice that LDR couples need to know, and a lot of which I’ve told myself. This is simply what comes with being insanely far away from the person you love… the majority of the time. Alright let’s dive right in here people.
If you are ‘at your last straw’, then you shouldn’t be in an LDR
I think this one is super important and extremely obvious. But we all love to torture ourselves. Pain is not love, as much as Twilight likes to convince you that it is. If you are ‘fed up’, or constantly unhappy, and just simply do not want to do it anymore, then what are you doing? And this goes both ways. This could be ‘I’m fed up with trying, I don’t think about you anymore, I find myself wanting to talk to other people, and it’s just not worth it’ (this seems pretty obvious right?). But this could also go the other way like, ‘I’m fed up with you not trying anymore. I feel like you’re never there for me, never talk to me, and never try. I’m at my last straw. I want to punch you in the face with a lawn mower’ If you are at this point, does life not suck? Long distance relationships take work, and if you don’t feel like putting in the effort, or you feel like your significant other just simply isn’t trying anymore then it’s time to start considering if you actually enjoy happiness and if all this silliness is worth all the SAD *takes breath, that sentence was way too long*. It just simply means, are you spending the majority of your time unhappy? If so, stop it. Life is too short. Unhappiness gives you wrinkles and saggy boobs. If energy isn’t consistently being put into making it work– it wont work. Especially without physical touch or in-person communication, what good is a fight if you can’t slam the door after? Gone are the days of being able to rip out your phone battery and throw it across the room my friends… those days are gone.
If you think they’re cheating, they probably are
Ouchies. Right? I know I know. But, for LDR’s, cheating is kryptonite. It takes so much trust to be able to handle not seeing your significant other all the time. But if the relationship is on a slow decline, your partner is very distant, and perhaps you’ve started to see some skeptical things on social media… then more likely than not… it’s probably happening. I know what you’re thinking, ‘who are you the blonde wednesday addams? You don’t know anything… you’re not even blonde. This whole website is a lie.’ I KNOW. But hear me out. At the end of the day, we are only human. If you guys are far apart, and your significant other is hardly talking to you, not giving you the time of day, spending a lot of time out, and doing sketchy shit… it’s probably happening. And on the positive chance that it isn’t, really consider talking to them about it because they sound like an asshole.
If you don’t trust them, it’s not going to work
So, this ties into what I just said above. Trust is the glue that holds a LDR together, if there is no trust, there is no relationship. If your significant other is putting in the effort, talking to you all the time, tells you they miss you, and comes home when they get the opportunity… and you are still giving them shit when they go out or talk to someone else, then it times to re-think what the meaning of your life is. Honestly. You are literally pulling a Julie Michaels– ‘I got issues, now I’m going to take all of them and give them all to you’. If your significant other is constantly trying, and you are constantly accusing them of doing bad things, they will just fall over from confusion. I once received a message from someone claiming to be Andy’s friend. They told me Andy was cheating on me. Before I even entertained this internet demon from hell, I went to Andy immediately. Andy and I talked it out, he confronted the person, and the person ended up admitting the whole thing was bullshit. If I didn’t trust Andy, that whole situation could have ended badly and I would have be placing blame on the wrong person the entire time.
You can’t know everything, all the time.
You are not the eye of Mordor, you are not the all-seeing eye.I personally struggle with this quite often. Because I’m never with Andy, I just always want to know what’s going on. I want to know he’s okay, I want to know if he’s happy, I want to know when he’s having a rough day, I want to know if he spilled his dinner all over the floor because he’s a straight up spaz… but you can’t know it all. Again, trust is the platform that LDR’s stand on, and you just have to trust everything is okay. Andy and I came up with a solution where, if we are both having really busy days, then we just make sure to say ‘good morning and goodnight’—it’s not much, but it shows were thinking about each other and that everything is okay.
Do not set your partner up to fail
So let’s say you’ve started having suspicions about your partner, and you really start to think they are cheating. The answer to this, is to talk to them. Nothing else. That is the only answer. Do not play games. Do not pass go, do not collect 100 dollars. Do not set up a fake profile, create the perfect fake hottie for your partner, throw out the line and wait for a bite. If your relationship is already toxic, your partner is going to bite. And if the same thing happened to you, you’d probably bite as well—wouldn’t you? If you love this person, your best option is to talk to them about it, and explain your concerns. I know in the moment, you just want to know what’s going on and you want answers right away. But you don’t set up someone you care about. Because more likely than not, you’re doing it because you know they will fail.
Figure out what you want and make up your MIND
This is so crucial. You need to ask yourself… ‘is this person the one?’ ‘do I want to be in a relationship?’ ‘is this person worth it?’ ‘do I love them?’. Be mature, and make up your mind. Being far away can create feelings of loneliness, it will build curiosity, and will test your limits. IT IS NOT FOR THE WEAK. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, if you’re not in it then do not string the other person along. This is the most common problem I’ve seen in LDRs. One person starts to feel uneasy about the whole thing. This causes them to seek comfort (or other things) from other people, and they feel like they can test their limits and see what they can get away with. Once they get away with it, they also know they have a loving person they can call whenever they’re in the relationship ‘mood’. If you’re reading this and it’s resonating with you, it probably means you have some shit to figure out. And it also means that Gerard Butler would never let you be a Spartan, and you are now figuratively kicked into the hole of death. Don’t be an idiot, Alex Trebek I’ll take ‘be a good person make up my mind’ for 100 dollars please.
Loneliness is not unhappiness
This is so important, yet so complicated at the same time. You just need to learn to accept that loneliness is normal. Your favourite person in the world is not there. Your other half, who you love spending all of your time with, is not there. So you begin to feel lonely. But that is okay, and it is very normal. But you can’t let it consume you, and put you into a rut or depression. The feeling will pass, and you will be okay. Because you are a boss ass bitch. And the healthiest thing you can do in a long distance relationship, is learn to be happy on your own. It will make you stronger, and teach you that you can create your own happiness. This will relieve pressure on your significant other, and help you grow as an individual. Look at you, you butterfly.
Make the extra effort- it is worth it.
Send gifts, postcards, or care packages. Watch movies together on Skype, or cook a meal together (kind of! lol). When something exciting happens, tell them you can’t wait to share what happened. FaceTime them during occasions to let your family say hi. When you go to see them, hide notes all over their apartment. Andy once created a scavenger hunt for me by hiding things in my room, and when he went back to Florida, he started texting me clues! It made me feel like he was there. One time, I put little note in the fold of his iPad case and he didn’t find it until weeks and weeks later! But he said it made his day. There IS fun in long distance, you just have to find it. It’s like Where’s Waldo, but the book is your SOUL.
As hard as they are to find– there are so many positives to a LDR
I know the majority of the time it SUCKS. I KNOW. But there really are things that LDR couples experience that regular couples don’t. Every time you see each other, it’s like the honey-moon phase is happening all over again. You get your own space to find happiness and be independent– being able to gain these qualities can only strengthen a relationship. You don’t sweat the little things because there simply isn’t enough time! And the best one? If you can do long distance, all the other problems are a breeze.