Today I’m packing to go see Andy just as much as I’m panicking to go see Andy. I leave in a couple days for Florida, and I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of nervousness. And it’s making me want to bake a dozen cupcakes and then eat them all in one sitting without milk. I’m nervous to go see Andy at a low point in my life, if that makes sense.
I’ve had a rough start to 2018 and I’m worried I wont be able to pick myself up before my trip. I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until recently that my quest for perfection has been challenged in a real-life setting: Adulthood.
Being a perfectionist at 24 years old in THIS day and age is already a recipe for disaster. You want to accomplish everything before 25, and with every day that goes by that isn’t exactly how you want to be, it slowly starts to eat at you. Anyone else feel this way? Or am I alone in the forest here?
Being 24, a perfectionist, and in a long distance relationship is even worse. You spend a lot of time alone, giving you MORE time to pick apart the aspects of your life you aren’t happy with. On top of that, when you do see each other, there is no time to stress about things that aren’t important in the moment. There is no time to fight, or be sad, or criticize your choices. It’s always…
‘we can’t do this, we only have a short period of time together’.
But this inability to sit alone with my own thoughts is both a curse and a blessing for me.
The blessing exists in busy-ness, happiness, and fulfilment. As corny as that sounds, I’m not able to pick my self apart as much when I am with someone, when I’m busy, and when I’m happy. It’s good for me, and it’s good for my brain. It gives me a break.
When I’m with Andy I feel like some parts of my brain are completely at ease, and like I can take a breathe. But my curse lies in pressure…Pressure I put on myself for everything to be perfect. The ‘we only have a short time together, don’t waste it, make the most out of it, make it perfect.’
Andy made me realize today, that the more time I spend trying to make our time together perfect, the more I’m going to be let down if anything goes wrong.
I’m writing this blog today for anyone feeling not perfect today.
For anyone who feels this enormous pressure to have it all together right now.
For anyone who feels their failing just because they aren’t ridiculously successful,
or for anyone who, like me, is looking for a moment of silence.
I writing this blog today, because I spent most of 2017 throwing pity parties. I would set goals, freak out about how I’m never going to accomplish them perfectly, and then not complete them at all.
This started a pattern of setting goals, failing, crying, and then being disappointed in myself. Before I could even realize the poisonous process I had started, it had already been a year.
For anyone feeling really nervous right now, or at unease about your future.
Or for anyone who is scared to do something right now.
For anyone who is putting something off because it’s ‘just not the right moment’
… I’m encouraging you to stop.
Or before you know it, years will go by and you’ll look back and wished you didn’t waste so much time being hard on yourself.
I read a couple months ago that ‘perfectionism is the haute couture version of fear’.
And it couldn’t be more true. There are so many things I stop myself from doing because I create a laundry list of all the ways it’s not going to go perfect.
Perfect is unattainable.
But you know what is attainable? Happiness every day. It might not be all day, everyday, but make it happen every day.
In 2017 I might have let my perfectionism ruin a trip to see Andy, but we’re ending that here.
I’m going to kiss that hot face of his every day, and if nothing else made me happy that day, at least I got to kiss his hot face.
thanks for listening guys, xox.