The Attempt at an Explanation
You know when you go into a job interview and they ask you what you’re weaknesses are? And your job isn’t really to reveal a weakness at all; but to take something great about yourself and spin it in a ‘negative’ way so that it comes off as a weakness?
Well ‘I’m a perfectionist’ is a popular answer when it comes to that interview question. And it’s something that I’ve been using for a very long time. But it wasn’t until recently that I realized how much of a weakness my perfectionism really is, and how at this point in my life it’s hard for me to look at it as a positive quality- in any capacity.
Perfectionism is Ruining Me
My perfectionism (as of late) has prevented me from doing so much. Now, stay with me here because at no point in this blog post am I going to tell you that perfectionism is okay… because it isn’t. And I feel it’s best to get that out here before we continue. Because that’s important to me.
Now, when I say that my perfectionism has prevented me from doing so much… I’m not saying that if I were to just START doing something (whatever that may be) that it would be amazing because I’m a perfectionist. That’s not the case either. What I’m saying is that I’m crippled by perfectionism and it’s not a positive thing.
If you’ve been following my blog for while, you might have noticed a pattern. I will post a BUNCH of blogs in a span of maybe two weeks… and then absolutely nothing for a very long time. Usually, after this blogger drought, I will post a blog including some form of apology for my absence and then the pattern continues. Well, today I’m trying to explain why.
Everyone has different versions of fear. And perfectionism is mine. Perfectionism is the pretty wrapping paper and bow of a box that has fear sitting inside it.
I have been trying to write a book for years now.
If I’m being honest.
My goal at the beginning of this year was to maintain my blog with one post a week and use my free time to try to finish my book.
It’s now November, and I’ve maybe written a total of 20 pages this year… probably less. And today I’ve spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself about it and so I decided to write it down (and now you’re reading it).
It addition to that, while my book as been lacking, I’d always hoped that I could say ‘well at least I’m keeping up with my blog’. And that’s not a fact either. (we all know that)
So today I wanted to write to you guys about how my perfectionism…
My need for my writing to be perfect
My need for my story to flow perfectly
My fear of people hating my story
My fear of people hating my blog posts
My fear of never creating anything special
Has lead to nothing
And has accomplished nothing.
Desperate for Perfect
I think that’s why you often see me posting Instagram stories and posts asking for advice or help on what to write about. I will often reach out to you guys asking what YOU want me to post or write about, as opposed to writing what I want to in that moment.
It’s because I’m desperate for perfection. I want everyone to read what I have to say and love it… and it leads to nothing.
It leads to an empty blog home page with posts labelled with dates from weeks ago.. maybe months. And I’m sorry for that.
So here is what I have decided to do about it.
My plan is to write the shittiest book in human existence.
My plan is also to post the shittiest blogs I’ve ever written.
Stay with me.
Because I’m at the point… where I would rather write the shittiest book in human existence than not write a book at all.
And I would rather write the WORST blog posts ever, riddled with my thoughts and feelings, low quality photos, and randomness than not post at all.
So that’s where I’m at.
And if you too are reading this and can relate in any way… maybe you should do the same.
Did you stop painting because nothing was turning out the way you wanted? This weekend you should paint the shittiest piece of art in the world and maybe it’ll be the most stress relieving experience you’ve had in a while.
Maybe you stopped running because it wasn’t giving you the results you wanted. Run anyway… because getting exercise and fresh air is better than spending time feeling sorry for yourself.
Maybe you never take time to work on your novel, because every time to sit down to write, you let the fear of rejection drown you to the point where you close your computer and walk away… and tell yourself you’ll write another day.
And then you never do.
As I’ve said many times on this corner of the internet…
I’m going to try and do better.
I’m off to write the shittiest book in human existence.